When we’re hurting after a breakup, a lot of things tend to run through our minds. There are so many questions we ask ourselves in the aftermath and things we tell ourselves while trying to move on, but sometimes, the things we say to ourselves do more harm than good when it comes to moving on and healing. Here are a few things you should stop saying to yourself as you work on getting over your breakup.
1. “Was there anything that I could have done to change his mind?”
Stop beating yourself up and trying to figure out where it all went wrong–sometimes, it’s just not meant to be, and that’s okay. When it comes to breakups, there are no minor changes that could have magically fixed a broken relationship. As for major changes, well, then it wouldn’t have been real. Additionally, love isn’t something that you can force someone to feel, and if someone falls out of love, there’s really nothing you can do but to let them move on. Instead of trying to figure out what you could have done to repair things, repair your broken heart and keep moving–the right guy is out there somewhere, it just wasn’t your ex.
2. “We can still be friends.”
Sure, you can still be friends–if you want to prolong the breakup agony. Yes, exes can in rare circumstances remain friends, I suppose, although I’ve never stayed in touch with any of mine. But before that’s possible, you have to let yourself get over him. Stop thinking about repairing the friendship aspect of your relationship, at least until a few months (or even years) down the road. It will just make it harder for you to let go of the relationship that you had, and that’s not healthy. It’s time to unfriend him on Facebook, unfollow him on Instagram and Twitter, and push him out of your thoughts. You’ll make new and better friends in the future anyways, so there’s no need to hold onto your ex until you have properly moved on.
3. “I should have been a better girlfriend.”
You are who you are, and you don’t need to apologize for that. While no relationship will ever be perfect, relationships shouldn’t be super hard, either. There are probably a million reasons that it would never have worked out, so stop blaming yourself. If he were the right guy, he would have inspired you to be the best girlfriend without having to make much of a conscious effort. When you’re with the right man, it will be easy for you to be the right woman for him. You should never have to change who you are for the sake of a guy that you’re dating, and if who you are wasn’t enough for him, then it’s his loss, not yours.
4. “I can still get him to take me back.”
Once a relationship has reached splitsville, there’s really no turning back anymore. There are usually dozens of reasons, some obvious, some more subtle, and they don’t go away just because you decide to give it another go. In the past, I have gotten back together with an ex after breaking up. It just led to another, more devastating breakup–for more or less the same reasons as we split the first time. Save yourself the trouble and the additional heartache and don’t put your hope in a miracle that’s not likely to happen.
5. “I’ll never love someone as much as I loved him.”
You will, so stay strong. We all think that we’ll never be able to feel the same way for someone else, especially if he was your first love, but as time goes by, we find that we can and we will love again. In fact, as you grow older, wiser, and more mature, your ability and capacity to love will only deepen. In time, you will look back on all your failed relationships and realize that these men were just receiving a fraction of your true ability to love. When you are finally with the person that you were meant to end up with, everything will make sense and you’ll realize that no matter how many times your heart breaks, it will come back together stronger and with more capacity for love than ever.
I’m not going to try and tell you that breakups are easy; they never are. But moving on will be much easier if you keep the wrong thoughts and ideas out of your head, and focus on moving on instead.
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